


One Minute

by der_tanzer



Series: Moments in Time [1]
Category: Riptide (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-21
Updated: 2010-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:18:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/der_tanzer/pseuds/der_tanzer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick and Cody accidentally discover Murray's secret life and have some explaining of their own to do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dating

"You can bring your friend here for dinner, you know," Nick said, popping another beer. Cody nodded, reaching for the pretzels, and Murray laughed. He was knotting his tie and the sight of his two friends in their shorts and t-shirts made him feel both patronizing and a little absurd.

"No, we already have reservations. Anyway, it'll just be boring computer talk. You guys wouldn't enjoy it at all."

Cody looked up, surprised that Murray should worry about boring them. But just then the 49ers scored and Nick's shout called his attention back to the TV. The niners were having a crap season, but this game looked like it had potential.

"Yeah, well, have a good time," Cody said, already forgetting what he'd been about to say.

"I'm sure we will," Murray said. He started to say goodnight but a key fumble occurred and no one would have heard him. Smiling faintly, he pushed his glasses up his nose and left the boat.

***

"That was a hell of a game," Nick said, turning off the TV. "Murray didn't get back?"

"No. It's not even seven. You know how he is with those computer guys. He won't be in before midnight."

"You're probably right. You want to walk up to Straightaway's for a burger? We're out of pretzels and I don't feel like cooking."

"Sure. I've had enough pretzels myself."

They put on their shoes and locked the boat, steeling themselves for the journey. It wasn't far but they were both a little too toasted to either drive or enjoy the walk.

Murray, who never had too much to drink when he was driving, had taken the Jimmy to meet his friend. All the guys knew about him was that his name was Carl, and Murray had met him at a convention last month. Cody was finally starting to wondering why Murray hadn't taken the opportunity to introduce them, considering how eager he usually was to get his friends together. But on the other hand he didn't want to spend the evening listening to two geeks talk about microprocessors and make math jokes.

"Chilly, isn't it?" Cody said, trying to make small talk.

"It's November. I told you to bring a jacket."

"No, you didn't. You had me get yours. You never said—"

"Hey, isn't that your car?" Nick interrupted.

"That's weird. He went to _Straightaway's_? He said he had reservations somewhere."

"Well, maybe it's not. It's getting dark and I can't see the plate."

"It's not so dark that I don't know my own car. Maybe we should check it out."

"Check what out? He probably just said that so he wouldn't have to bring the guy home and introduce him to us. Let's just go somewhere else."

Cody was on the verge of agreeing when they saw Murray come out, a strange man at his side. It looked as if the man was holding his arm, maybe propelling him a little, and they waited to see what would happen. Across the parking lot, Murray and the stranger walked up to the Jimmy, pausing by the driver's door while Murray fumbled for the keys. Suddenly the stranger pushed him up against the car and the sound of the keys hitting the pavement was audible fifty feet away.

"What the hell is that?" Cody muttered. No one was going for the keys, no one was doing anything, and the stranger was holding Murray against the door.

"I'm not waiting around to find out," Nick said and headed over, Cody close behind.

Even up close, it was too dark to tell what was going on, and Nick, never one to waste words, grabbed the stranger by the back of the neck and yanked him away. The man yelled in surprise and Cody punched him in the gut, swift and sharp. He was pulling back to do it again when Murray grabbed his arm, shouting at him to stop.

"What the hell's going on?" Cody said again, resisting the urge to shake off his friend. He badly wanted to hit that guy again, even if he wasn't sure exactly why.

"Nothing," Murray cried, jerking Cody's arm as if to keep him focused on not swinging. "Nick, let him go."

"You know this guy?" Nick asked absurdly.

"This is _Carl_. Now let him go." There was something so terrible in his voice, so furious and almost—righteous, that no one thought to argue.

Nick released the stranger's neck, and then had to grab his arm to keep him from falling. Murray let go of Cody and moved between them, taking Carl's other arm.

"What are you guys even _doing_ here?" he asked, his low fury somehow worse than the screaming theatrics they were used to.

"What are we—what are _you_ doing here?" Nick yelled. "You said you had reservations somewhere. We thought you were being mugged, for cripes sake."

"Well, I wasn't. And why are you yelling? I'm the one who should be angry."

"Murray—"

"Wait, don't answer that. I don't care. I'm going to take Carl back to his hotel. If you guys are following me, it's the Rosemont on Fielding."

"I know where the Rosemont is," Nick said inanely. Murray gave him a searing look and turned to his friend. The fury was replaced in a blink with something Nick and Cody didn't understand, but seeing that it wasn't anger filled them both with cold dread. He was only angry at them.

"Carl, I'm so sorry. Let's just go and I'll—I'll try to explain."

The stranger, who wasn't as tall or skinny as Murray, but did have taped glasses, gave Nick and Cody an ugly, knowing glance and skirted them widely. They both moved instinctively to follow, but the look Murray shot back at them stopped them in their tracks. While they stared, he helped the other man into the passenger seat and went back around to get the keys. The doors hadn't been locked anyway. He was still giving them that look and they moved away.

"What the hell?" Cody asked once more, sounding lost and frightened.

"You got me. How about we get our food to go so we can be home when he gets there?"

"Good thinking. Assuming he comes home. Have you ever seen the Boz that mad about anything?"

Nick shook his head without answering. He hadn't even thought it was possible.

***

Nick and Cody were playing extremely poor cribbage and watching the clock when Murray came home an hour later. He still looked angry, but now he looked scared as well, which did nothing to comfort his friends.

"Murray, I'm sorry I hit that guy," Cody said at once. "If I'd known he was your friend…"

"But I _said_ I was going to be with a friend. Why would you assume that wasn't him?"

"Because it looked like he was mugging you."

"Yeah, or kissing you," Nick put in. Murray turned faintly pink and his friends exchanged a look.

"But he was your friend, so he wasn't mugging you," Cody said slowly. "And you got mad at _us_ so—you wanted him to kiss you?"

Murray turned without speaking and went down to his room. Up in the salon, his friends just stood and stared, first at his retreating back, and then at each other.

"Was there some third option there that I missed?" Nick whispered.

"Not unless I missed it, too. Is—is Murray gay? Is that what this is about?"

"I don't know. I don't even know if I want to know." Nick's dark eyes were lost in shadow, and Cody couldn't read the complicated emotions concealed there.

"Well, I do. I'm going to go talk to him."

"And say what? No, hang on a minute, Cody. Let's think about this. Does the answer make any difference? Is it gonna change how you feel about him? Because if it isn't, it's none of our business."

"I don't know," Cody sighed. "I kind of feel like he lied to us, and I don't like that. I want to ask him why."

"I hate to tell you this, but I think we answered that question in the parking lot at Straightaway's."

"Oh _shit_. Do you think I hurt that guy?"

"If you did, I'm sure Murray kissed it and made it better," Nick said dryly.

"Wow. That's not an image I needed."

"Sorry. But, like I said, it's probably none of our business. And besides, we haven't always told him the truth, either."

"Well, no, but that's different," Cody said thoughtfully. "We didn't tell him everything, maybe, but we never lied. It's a pretty big secret to keep from your closest friends, isn't it?"

"Maybe we're not his closest friends," Nick shrugged. "Maybe he's closer to that guy Carl than he is to us."

"That's not true," Murray said quietly from the bottom of the stairs. Both men froze for a second, thinking back over what they'd said, wondering if any of it was too dangerous, while Murray, trembling, stood his ground. Cody moved first, but Nick was with him in half a step. The three of them faced each other in the galley, Murray not wanting to go up or invite them into his room. After a moment, he sat down at the table and buried his head in his arms. Nick nudged Cody into the opposite seat and got beers for each of them. He opened Murray's and pushed it across the table. Though he sat beside Cody, Murray had his full attention.

"You want to talk about it, Boz?"

"I don't know," Murray said, the words muffled by his arms. "Are you mad?"

"We're not mad," Cody said sincerely. "We're just—confused. If you want to go out with men that's—well, I guess it's not really any of our business. But I thought we were your best friends and it's kind of a shock, finding out like this."

"I didn't want you to find out." He straightened up and took off his glasses, toying with them so he'd have something to look at. Because the whole thing was less embarrassing when it was out of focus, and if they got a better view of his fear-shining eyes, at least he didn't have to look at theirs.

"Obviously. I'm just wondering why. I never would have hit that guy if I'd known what was going on. You know that, right? I wouldn't hit anyone just for being gay."

"No, I know that. Carl wasn't convinced, though. He thinks I'm a closet queer with homophobe roommates."

"Jeez, I'm sorry. Was he, like, your boyfriend?" Cody choked a little on the word and sipped his beer to cover.

"No, I really did just meet him at the conference. He was coming to LA on business and we decided to get together. I—I'm not exactly gay, I still like girls. Guys are just—easier."

"What's that mean?" Nick asked. "If you don't mind, I'm kind of curious."

"Well, girls are harder to impress," he shrugged, putting his glasses back on. He drank a little beer and wiped his lips with his fingers. "They want cool clothes and cool cars and things like that. Guys like me for myself. Carl and I talked about computers for two hours and he also wanted to sleep with me. Girls like that are hard to find."

"I bet they are," Cody muttered and Nick kicked him.

"That's what you mean by easier? You can sleep with people you have a lot in common with?"

"Well, yes. Don't you prefer girls you're friends with? That you can talk to? It's not all about sex, is it?"

"No, not always," Nick said slowly. "But I'm not sure I'd sacrifice the girl for the conversation."

"The girl part isn't that important," Murray shrugged. "Men give better blow jobs anyway."

"You know, I'd heard that," Cody said and Nick kicked him again.

"So what's the verdict? Are you throwing me out?" Murray asked, eyes on the table.

"What? No! No one's going anywhere," Cody exclaimed. "We're just talking, aren't we?"

"You—you don't think I'm a freak?"

"Well, we've always thought you were a little weird, Murray. It doesn't matter, okay?" Nick said gently. "Whatever makes you happy is fine with us. We just wanted you to know that you can be honest. You don't have to sneak around, groping strangers in parking lots."

"Don't make fun of me."

"I'm not. Okay, maybe I was a little, but I didn't mean it. I just meant that if you want to date guys, you can bring them around and introduce us. We still want to meet your friends."

He nodded and sipped his beer.

"Murray, is that okay?" Cody pressed, not liking the silence. He only nodded again and the guys exchanged another glance. "Murray, it's your turn to talk. Say something. Anything."

"I don't know what to say. I was prepared for a lot of things but not this," he said quietly, still staring at his hands. His friends' eyes were drawn to them as well, and Cody wondered if he really knew how to satisfy a man as well as, or better than, a woman did. He had to admit that when the little guy set out to study something, he generally learned it well.

"Not prepared for what, Murray? Understanding?" Nick's voice was low and steady, forcing him to raise his eyes at last.

"Yeah, I guess so. I thought you'd be mad, or disgusted, or something. I was going to be defensive, and instead I feel guilty for lying to you for so long."

"Just how long are we talking about here?" Cody asked. "I mean, have you always—gone both ways?"

"I guess. Myrna was my first woman but there were a couple—well—a few guys before. I always wanted girlfriends but—well, like I said, guys are easier."

"You were never attracted to either of us, were you?" Nick asked casually, trying to phrase it so it would be easier for Murray to say no, to let himself off the hook.

"I'd rather not answer that," he whispered, blushing again.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know what you want to hear."

"The truth," Nick said, still kind but firm. "Just tell us the truth."

"Okay, the truth is, I'm tired and I want to go to bed."

"Murray…"

"Please, Cody. We can talk about it tomorrow if you really want to, but right now I need to get some sleep." He stood up, leaning unsteadily on the table.

"Can I ask one question?"

"Can I stop you?" He backed up to the wall, trying hard to balance against the gentle roll of the boat.

"Did you get to—I mean, did you and Carl…"

"Are you asking if I got laid tonight, Cody?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

Murray laughed, suddenly sounding both drunk and bitter. "No, I didn't get any. Carl doesn't want anything to do with me anymore."

"I—I'm really sorry," Cody said, feeling a little strange about blowing his friend's action with another man.

"It's okay. It doesn't matter, guys, really. He—he's not important. I—I'm just going to go to bed. Goodnight, Cody. Nick."

They barely had a chance to say goodnight before he turned and went to his room, closing the door firmly behind him.

"That didn't go well, did it?" Cody asked when he was gone.

"Maybe not, but it could have been worse. He's not in there packing, at least. And no one else got hit."

They got up and Cody put their bottles in the sink. Nick held a finger to his lips and went to Murray's door, pressing his ear up against it. He listened for a couple of minutes and then returned to the galley.

"What's he doing?"

"Crying, I think. Come on, let's go to bed. He needs some space."

"Are you sure? I don't want to wake up in the morning and find him gone."

"I'm pretty sure. Anyway, where can he go?"

Nick and Cody undressed a little awkwardly in their small cabin, acutely aware of each other's bodies and trying not to acknowledge it. Both were wondering what Murray would have said, if he looked at them _that way_, or if they maybe weren't his type. Or maybe only one was. They got into bed and looked at each other across the cabin, the beam never seeming so narrow as it did that night, wondering what would happen if Murray _did_ like one of them.

"He's right, you know," Cody said suddenly. "There isn't a good answer."

"Nope. I really shouldn't have asked that one, should I?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't. And you know what else?"

"No, what?"

"If he's going to be dating guys in this town, he's either going to have to pick someone a lot bigger or learn to fight."

"Yeah, and I'm sure a lot of big tough guys want to talk computers with Murray over candlelight and wine."

"You mean besides us?" Cody asked, grinning wickedly.

"Get serious."

"I am. He's our friend. We have to protect him."

"I know," Nick sighed. "We're going to be taking turns double dating with geeky gays, aren't we?"

"I'd say there's a pretty good chance. If we can find any girls who'll go along."

"That's not the only option, you know. Depending on what he's thinking, what his answer would have been…"

"I thought that was over, Nick. We agreed, years ago, remember?"

"I know. But Murray's our friend and this is messed up. Anyway, it was years ago. Things are different now."

"Why? Because it's the eighties? Are they going to be different from the seventies, somehow? Time passes but it doesn't fix everything."

"Maybe not," Nick shrugged. "But it can fix a lot. Just think about it, Cody. We have to protect him, you know that. No one else is gonna do it."

"I know. But Jeez, Nick, after all this time…"

"Just think about it. We gotta do the right thing."

"Okay, we do the right thing. But we figure out what that really is, okay? We don't jump into anything stupid. Scaring him off is as bad as—well, it's the same as what happened tonight. We take it one minute, one word, at a time. It's not about us, it's about keeping him safe."

"I agree," Nick said emphatically. "We find out what he needs, one word at a time."

It sounded settled but they both knew it wasn't, and neither of them really slept that night.

***

Cody was the first to rise the next morning and went straight to the galley, making a little more noise than necessary about starting coffee. He could have done it more conveniently up in the salon, but he wanted to wake Murray and draw him out of his room. When the coffee was ready and Murray hadn't wandered in yet, Cody filled two mugs and went to find him. He knocked on the door and it swung open, making him think Murray had opened it. But when Cody stepped in, he saw the bed was made, the computers were turned off and the skinny man was nowhere in sight. Suddenly frightened, he put the cups down on the most immediate surface and ran to search the boat. He even checked the engine room, but Murray was gone. It wasn't the first time Nick had been wrong, but Cody was rougher than usual about waking him and telling him so.

"What? What the hell's going on?" Nick grumbled, pulling his pillow over his head.

"Murray's gone," he said harshly. "I took some coffee to his room and he wasn't there. It doesn't look like he even slept here last night."

"Didn't—well, where the hell else _could_ he sleep?"

"How would I know? Get up, we have to find him."

"Shit. Okay, I'm up. Go look and see if he took a car. Maybe he just went for a walk."

"Or threw himself in the harbor," Cody muttered.

"Don't even joke about that. Did you search the boat?" Nick was out of bed, pulling on his jeans and looking around for a shirt.

"Of course I searched the boat. I'm going to check the cars and then start asking around. Maybe someone's seen him."

"That's gonna sound real good, isn't it?" Nick muttered.

"Well, what else do you want me to do? We could sit around waiting for him to come back but…"

"But what?"

"I'm afraid he won't. If we don't go looking for him, he might think we want him to stay lost." Cody looked terrified, like a man in a shopping mall just realizing the child who was right beside him has suddenly disappeared.

"I can't believe he'd think that," Nick said as he put on his shoes. "But we'd better get looking."

Both cars were there, so the guys separated, Nick heading up into town and Cody covering the pier. He scanned the boats, waving to the people he knew, checking everyone's faces for a sign that something was wrong. That a skinny scientist who belonged aboard the _Riptide_ might have shown up during the night with red eyes and a weird story. But everything seemed normal, his friends still friendly, everyone right where they belonged.

He went all the way to the end of the pier, darting glances down every slip gangway and across every deck, and then covered them again on the way back. He was walking a lot faster, though, and when he began to notice people looking like something was wrong, it was because they were looking at him.

"Hey, Allen," Ben Johnson called from the deck of the _Wanderer_. "You lose something?"

"Morning, Ben. No, I was just…" he paused, swallowed his pride, and turned around. "Any chance you've seen Murray this morning?"

"This morning? No."

"Thanks," Cody said, turning back toward shore.

"Ain't seen Murray since last night," Ben went on.

"Wait, what? When?"

"About midnight, I guess. I was coming home from The Lobster Pot and I passed him up the street."

"At midnight?" Cody's surprise was evident, but Ben misunderstood.

"Yeah, I know. I hardly ever get out of the Pot before two, but there was an a'mighty brawl last night and they closed early. Anyway, I seen Murray walking toward town and said hi. He didn't say nothing, though. I don't think he reco'nized me."

"Oh, yeah? Was he—did he have anything with him?"

"What's wrong? Did he rip you off or something?"

"No, he just—to be honest, he just took off. We're a little bit worried. Did you happen to notice which way he was headed?"

"Not really, just up the main street. Coulda been going anywhere, I guess. But he didn't have no bags or anything. He was just walking with his hands in his pockets, like he does, kind of looking at the ground."

"Yeah, like he does," Cody repeated. "Thanks, Ben. I'm sure he'll come back when he feels like it."

"Funny guy, inn't he?" Ben said, apropos of nothing. Cody decided that was worth investigating a little further and climbed the stairs up to the Wanderer. He didn't ask for permission to board and the other man met him at the rail.

"What's that mean, funny?"

"He just is," Ben shrugged. "Used to be rich and famous, and now he lives out here in a boat like a fisherman or a playboy, when anybody can see he ain't neither one. Don't get me wrong, Cody. He's a good kid and ever'body likes him, but he don't make sense. I never seen or heard anything about him makes any sense."

"Well, maybe that's just because you don't know him. You don't work with him, you don't know anything—" He was getting angry and saw the overreaction in Ben's nervous expression.

"Never said I did. And I like him. Never met a pleasanter fella, in fact. But I don't understand him and I'm thinking," he added carefully, taking a step back in case it was going too far, "that you maybe don't, either, since you're the one out here looking for him."

"Yeah," Cody sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat. "You're right, I'm sorry. I'm going to head up to town. If you see him—tell him to stick around, okay?"

"Sure thing," Ben shrugged. "But he'll come back sooner or later. Where's he got to go?"

Cody was thinking about that as he walked more slowly up the pier. Nick had said it last night but Murray was still gone in the morning. Just where _did_ he have to go?

***

Nick, who didn't know that Murray had been out since midnight, checked all the places his friend liked to go in the morning. The bakery, the grocery store and fruit stand, the little bookstore where he got his obscure magazines. The library wasn't open yet but he went by there, too, just in case Murray was waiting outside. Sometimes he would finish a book on the steps so he could return it the moment the doors were opened and pick up something else. It usually drove Nick crazy, but this morning he prayed for it.

There were a couple of women there with their kids and Nick asked them if they'd seen a skinny man in his early thirties, with shaggy hair and taped glasses. They both said no, but a teenage boy with a skateboard said he had, and Nick fought to restrain himself from grabbing the kid and shaking him.

"This guy?" he asked, pulling his wallet from his pocket and showing the kid a picture. He'd started carrying it after Litvak stole Murray, thinking it could come in handy.

"Yeah, I saw him at the park about an hour ago. I noticed him because I've never seen a bum with a pocket protector before." The kid laughed a little at his own wit, but he laughed alone. Nick was already gone.

Cody was following much the same path through town that Nick had, with different eyes. He was looking for a place where Murray might have slept, or at least been allowed to sit unmolested for a while. King Harbor wasn't a sunset town by any means, but it was hardly the big city, either. There wasn't anything open after the Lobster Pot closed at two, and Murray wouldn't have gone there anyway. He worked his way to the park independently, and got there in time to see Nick stagger up to a tree and stop, leaning heavily against it and panting for breath.

"Hey, what's going on? What did you learn?" Cody demanded, sprinting over to him.

"He's here somewhere," Nick gasped. "A kid at the library saw him…"

"And you ran all that way? Jeez, no wonder you're dying." But Cody's hand on his back was all warm sympathy. "Take a minute and catch your breath. I'll start looking."

Cody managed not to run as he covered the park, searching tables and benches in the same way he had boat decks, but the park was more sparsely populated at ten o'clock on a weekday morning. It wasn't long before he spotted Murray sitting under a tree, wearing jeans and a jacket that might be adequate to the temperature now, but certainly wouldn't have been last night. One knee was pulled up to his chest, both arms wrapped tightly around it, his other leg stretched out before him. Unable to restrain himself, Cody called out and Murray turned toward him, making no move to rise.

"Hey, buddy, what's going on?" Cody asked, sounding absurdly casual as he crouched beside his friend.

"Not much."

"Been a long night, hasn't it? You want to go home?"

"I don't know." He bowed his forehead to his knee and Cody moved closer, sliding one arm around his shoulders. "Are you sure you want to do that?" Murray asked, soft and sad.

"Do what? Hug you? Yeah, I do. And I want you to get up and come home."

"Where's Nick?" he asked without his raising his head.

"He's here somewhere, looking for you. We've been all over town this morning. And I'm sure if we sit here long enough, he'll come by."

"Cody, I'm sorry."

"For what? Boz, I don't understand this. We're your friends, no matter what. There's no reason for you to run away from us."

"You don't know that," Murray said quietly. "There are a lot of things you don't know."

"Okay, so tell me about it."

"Not here," he said, shaking his head.

Cody hugged him closer, and after a moment's resistance, Murray laid his head on the strong shoulder. He closed his eyes and didn't look up, even when he heard Nick panting beside them.

"What's going on?" he asked, his voice strident with relief. Cody gave him a look that was meant to be reassuring but came off a little fearful, and Nick sat down on Murray's other side. He laid a hand on the skinny thigh and felt Murray tremble.

"I'm still trying to figure it out," Cody said. "But I think if you help, we can get him to come home."

"Okay. That sound all right to you, Murray? You want to go home?"

He nodded vaguely and the guys helped him up.

"So what were you doing all night?" Nick asked.

"Just walking around. I've only been in the park a couple hours."

"That's good. It's not a real safe place at night."

"All the degenerates around, you mean?"

"Murray, what is this?" Nick asked, finally getting angry. "Did someone call you a degenerate? Have we done anything to make you feel like that?"

"Just a matter of time," Murray shrugged. "I mean, isn't it? People will find out, the agency will be ruined, you'll both end up hating me."

"Your private life is your business. No one's known until now and no one has to," Cody said firmly.

"Except you, and you're the ones who _really_ matter. You're my friends, that I lied to." He was limping and they slowed their steps so he could keep up.

"Forget about that, Boz. Are you okay?"

"My feet hurt. Blisters, I guess. It's no big deal."

They kept their arms around him and the three of them eventually got back to the boat.

***

Once on board, Cody took charge. He made Murray sit in the most comfortable chair, the one that, as captain, he generally took for himself. Over mild protests, Cody took off Murray's shoes and socks. His feet were red and blistered, bearing witness to how very far he'd walked, and making them wonder if any good had come of it. Cody fixed a tub of cool salt water and made him put his feet in it, easing the pain and trapping him in his seat.

"Nick, why don't you get him something to eat? Some toast and juice, at least. We'll have a proper breakfast in a while."

"Sure thing," he agreed and retreated to the galley. Cody moved around behind Murray's chair, eased him out of his jacket, and began to rub his shoulders gently.

"You don't have to do that," Murray said quietly, but the pleasure in his tone was unmistakable.

"Nick really freaked you out last night, didn't he? Asking if you were attracted to us. He shouldn't have done that."

"Yeah, I wish he hadn't."

"Is that what you were thinking about, walking around King Harbor all night?"

"A lot of the time. And I was wondering if things were going to change, you know, between us. If you'd still want to have me around, let alone—touch me."

"Do you want things to change?"

"Of course not. Why do you think I lied in the first place? Sex, romance, all that is good, but it's not as important as—as this. As having friends like you. But I was selfish and I wanted both."

"Murray, that's not selfish. We all want both. Nick and I go out on dates all the time, looking for love, or at least sex, but it doesn't stop us from being friends."

"Sure, because you're dating girls. What if I'd tried to bring a guy home for the night? It would have changed everything, like this is going to."

"Maybe, but not all change is bad. Sometimes it's just—different. Like Nick said last night, you've always been a little weird. You're not like us in a lot of ways, and maybe that's part of why we love you so much."

"Really?" Murray tipped his head back to see his friend's expression and Cody stopped what he was doing to wrap his arms around the slender neck.

"Yeah, really. You know we love you, right?"

"Yes, I—I know. I'm just not used to hearing it." He rested his head against Cody's chest for a moment, enjoying the closeness and wishing he'd ever had a lover who cared this much for him. Then Nick was coming up with a tray of cereal and fruit, and Cody moved away.

Murray had a hard time eating with his friends staring at him, but he didn't want to appear ungrateful, or worry them any more than he already had. No one spoke until he put the bowl aside. Nick asked him if he wanted more and he said no, quiet and polite.

"I think I should go to bed for real this time," he told them, trying to smile. Nick brought a towel and dried his feet, then walked him down to his cabin with an arm around his waist. Murray's feet were tender and he moved carefully, like a tired old man. He lay down without taking off his clothes, fearing that such a move would make Nick uncomfortable, and smiled faintly as his friend tucked a blanket around him.

"Are you going to be able to sleep?" Nick asked and he nodded without opening his eyes, asleep before Nick was out of the room.

Cody was waiting in the galley, pouring a bowl of cereal for himself and trying to be casual.

"Did he say anything?"

"No. Poor guy just went right to sleep. He must be exhausted. But you talked to him, right?"

"Some. He said he'd rather have this than a romantic relationship. I hope we don't make him choose."

"Yeah. Look, let's go somewhere else. I don't want to wake him up."

Cody didn't ask if that was because Murray needed his sleep or because Nick wanted to talk about him. It would undoubtedly be both. They gathered up some food and went out on deck to eat in the sun.

"Did he tell you anything useful?" Nick asked, peeling a banana with no apparent awareness of the irony.

"Not much. Just that sex and romance were good but this is more important. I think he thinks that we won't let him stay if he's, you know, open."

"I got that idea, too. I keep coming back to what he said last night, that girls are harder to impress. I wonder if we didn't screw it up for him, picking about those High-Q girls. Or even—"

"Don't say it, Nick, I'm not kidding."

"—Gloria. Come on, he liked her. What was it to us?"

"She wasn't good enough for him. Even if she didn't drive us crazy—he would have gotten bored with her eventually."

"You hope. Anyway, she bugged the hell out of me, too. But maybe our girls bug him. He never says anything, he just stays out of our way. Maybe that's all he wanted us to do."

"What are you getting at?" Cody asked. The twists and turns of his friend's logic had him hopelessly confused.

"I don't know. Maybe we drove him, not just to lying, but to dating guys in the first place. He can go to dinner with some guy he met at a conference and no one bats an eyelash but if he'd said it was a girl…"

"Yeah, I get it. But it's not like it was the first time. He's been swinging for a long time, it sounds like."

"Yeah," Nick said speculatively. "I thought of that, too."

They finished their breakfast in silence.

***

Murray woke in the dusk with a pounding headache and an overall feeling of dismay that he couldn't place at first. It was the pain in his blistered feet that reminded him of the last twenty-four hours and he covered his eyes with a groan. Better he'd lived and died a virgin than started this mess. But, once started, it had to be finished. He had to clean it up somehow. A good first step would be to clean himself up, he decided, stripping off the clothes he'd been wearing for too long now. Dressed in his robe and carrying clean clothes, he went through the galley and up to the salon, a little surprised to find it empty. But he could hear voices on deck, hushed, no doubt, so that he could sleep. Murray decided to leave well enough alone and went to the head for his shower.

When he came out, his friends were in the salon, and he understood that they'd been checking up. Probably had been all day, making sure he hadn't snuck out again. He wondered if they'd checked his cabin before noticing the shower was running, and didn't know whether to be amused or guilty. He decided that Cody would have recognized the sound of the fresh water pump right away and put both feelings on hold for future use.

"We were just thinking about sending out for pizza," Nick said, breaking the silence before it could get out of hand. "That okay with you?"

"Yes, of course. I hope you weren't waiting for me."

"We didn't want to eat without you, Boz," Cody smiled. "How're you feeling?"

"Okay. Well, my feet hurt, but not much." Both of his friends glanced at them automatically and Murray curled his toes, wishing he hadn't brought it up.

"Come sit down, then," Cody said, gesturing toward the good chair. Murray sank into it with a sigh that said more clearly than words how tired he was. "Let me have a look at your feet," Cody said and caught one slender ankle in his hand before Murray could protest.

"It's all right, it's just—just blisters," he said, although he didn't know. He hadn't looked and Cody's low whistle made him think he'd made the right decision.

"It's okay, buddy. It's not that bad. Nick, you want to call for the pizza?"

Cody encouraged him to keep his feet up on the table, usually the province of Nick and himself, and Murray did so with reluctance. That also felt good but he wondered when the hammer would fall. Nick was only on the phone for a minute, but to Murray it felt like forever. Then Nick turned those sky blue eyes on him and he realized it was much too soon. He would never be ready for this.

"Are you ready to talk yet?"

"You can ask questions, Nick, but I still don't think you want to hear the answers."

"No, I do. I won't ask anything that I don't really want to know." He shot a glance at Cody, who nodded. Murray looked down at his hands and waited.

"Well, are you okay? That's the main thing I want to know."

He shrugged, gesturing vaguely at his feet.

"Besides that. Did anything else happen last night?"

"No. I didn't do anything. I didn't even see anyone I knew."

"Except Ben Johnson," Cody volunteered.

"What?"

"Ben told me he saw you leaving the pier last night. He didn't think you recognized him."

"I didn't. I just walked around and looked at things. I was thinking about what I'd miss most if I had to leave here."

"Murray, you're not going anywhere that you don't want to."

"You keep saying that. People already talk about us, you know. If you guys didn't have so many girls going in and out of here…"

"That's not really good for our reputations," Nick remarked.

"It's a better reputation than the one you'll end up with. What I'd really like is to not talk about this anymore. I'd like to pretend that last night never happened. I'll just be straight and chase girls and we'll forget all of this."

"Only if that's what's going to make you happy," Cody said, starting to sound angry.

"None of this makes me happy. Not lying, not sneaking around, and certainly not screwing up our friendship. You're the most important people in my life. It doesn't matter who I'm with if you're not my friends."

"Then you're going to have to start being honest with us, and with yourself. Because we need you to be happy."

"I think the best way to do that is what I just said. We'll forget any of this happened and go back to the way things used to be."

"The way things used to be, or the way we _thought_ they used to be?" Nick asked.

"We'll take what you thought and make it real. That's the easiest way."

"Yeah, but Murray…" Cody stopped, unsure of how to make it clear, and turned to Nick for help. Always, they turned to each other, never realizing that was part of the problem.

"Murray, that's not going to work," Nick said. "You hate being deceptive, you hate lying, but you did it for a really long time. Doesn't that mean you hate being alone even more? What I'm trying to say is, how can you be happy without something you needed bad enough to risk our friendship for?"

"I'll find a way," he shrugged, sounding like he'd been asked to hack a difficult computer system or build a smaller listening device.

"But what if you can't? What if you end up resenting us so much that you can't stand us anymore?"

"That would never happen. Look, guys, I know you want to help, but this is my problem and it has nothing to do with you."

"Really?" Nick asked and they both knew what he was going to say. Cody froze, and Murray squeezed his eyes shut as if anticipating a blow. "You're not attracted to either of us? That's what you couldn't say last night?"

"No," he whispered, shaking his head. "I want both of you. We couldn't—there's no room here for a couple. At least not if one of them is me."

"You really are a swinger, aren't you," Nick remarked, not making it a question. "It's always the quiet ones."

"I'm not—I'm not anything, Nick. Just a geek who can't get a date."

"That's not true. You can pick up guys at conventions."

"What are you doing?" Cody asked in amazement. "Can't you leave him alone?"

"We've been doing that," Nick said, studiedly calm. "Now I'm trying to get to the root of the problem. Murray thinks the three of us should be a couple and I'm trying to figure out if he means it. Do you, Murray? Would that make you happy?"

"You're making fun of me."

"I'm not. I want to know what would make you happy. What would it take to wipe that look off your face?"

"What look?"

"That one that says you're all alone in the world and no one loves you."

"But I don't feel like that. I know I have friends, I know you—care about me. You proved that today, if I needed any proof."

"Okay, granted. But the rest—you've decided not to be attracted to us anymore?"

"I've decided it doesn't matter. I can feel however I want, but unless you feel the same, both of you, it doesn't matter. I won't ever come between you. If I already have, then I'll go away."

"Damn it, Murray, no one's going anywhere," Cody snapped, almost yelling. "Running away isn't the answer. I don't know what is, but it's not that."

"Okay, calm down," Nick said without raising his voice. "But he's right, Mur. You're not leaving. You said you didn't want to come between us and that's great, but you're one of us, too. Nothing is allowed to come between you and me, or you and Cody, either."

Murray nodded thoughtfully but was saved from answering by the arrival of the pizza guy. Cody got up to pay him and the subject was dropped for the moment. Nick turned on the TV, but he could tell Murray wasn't watching it. That was good. It meant he was thinking, and Nick wanted him to think. He wanted Murray to come up with an answer, as he always did, so they could move on in one direction or another. Nick felt certain he would be able to follow, whatever direction his friend chose. And he was sure Cody would go along.

But when the pizza was gone and the TV show over, it was Cody who spoke first.

"Murray, we need to be honest with you about something, too. Nick and I—we have some experience with—with this kind of thing. When we met, in 'Nam, we—well—we weren't lovers, I won't go that far, but we spent a lot of time together, and things happened. It brought us together for a while, and then it split us up. When I lived with Monk, I was hiding from Nick as much as anything. We hooked up again when I got the boat and he came to live with me, but the sex didn't last long. We were scared. It seemed so unnatural and people were—well, they watched too much."

"Cody, if you're going to tell it, tell the truth," Nick interrupted. "It wasn't that it was unnatural, it was too natural. We were great together and that's what scared you. You wanted the girls and the chance to have a family. You wanted Janet back."

"Yeah, so what if I did? We stayed friends, we're as close as ever, and it's safer. We get beat up enough as it is."

"Don't you miss it?" Murray asked quietly. "That special closeness? I mean, you guys are best friends and it seems—it seems totally natural to me that you'd want to be together all the time."

"We are. We don't need sex to be close, to love each other," Nick said simply. "When we want to fuck, there are plenty of girls available."

"For you, maybe," Murray sighed. "So why are you telling me this?"

"We're giving you options," Nick said, holding his gaze steadily. "It's dangerous, even in the eighties, but if that's what you want, it's safer keeping it at home than going out in public with other men. You can go out with us, we're friends and housemates and people are used to it. We can even take girls out, too. We've done that lots of times, it looks normal, and it's good cover. And if you want someone to sleep with, you can sleep with me. I won't speak for Cody, but I'll do it and you won't be coming between us."

Murray looked him in the eyes for a long time, then turned to Cody.

"What do you think about that?"

"I don't know yet. I really thought all that was behind me, but I love you, Boz, and if that's what it takes to keep you safe, I'd have to seriously consider it."

"I don't want that. I don't want pity or obligation. If you don't really want me, then I don't want you. I'll be okay, dating my computer friends or looking for a girl. And I won't lie about it."

"But maybe I do want you," Nick said. "Maybe I think you're cute. And maybe I know you were telling the truth last night, about men giving better head."

"Maybe?"

"Probably. Murray, do you want to go to bed with me?"

The skinny man nodded, eyes on the floor, blushing furiously. But when he looked up, it was Cody's face he sought.

"I need to know it's okay with you," he whispered. "I don't want to take your best friend."

"You won't. Murray, you're as much my friend as Nick is. It's different, I know, because we're all different, but I need you as much as I do him. You're one of us, no matter what."

"But you don't know what—if—if…"

"I gotta be honest, I'm not a hundred percent on that yet. It was so fucking hard to quit," Cody confessed, his blue eyes showing more pain than Murray was used to seeing there. "We agreed to stop, and we did it, but it was harder than hell. If we started back up, I don't know if I could stand to quit again."

"No one's saying we have to," Nick reminded him. "It'll be the nineties soon. Things will keep changing, it'll get easier. And maybe Murray will meet a girl and blow us off next week."

"But then I'd have to quit you again."

"One minute at a time, Cody. Remember?"

"I think you guys need to think about it some more," Murray said, getting up and reaching for a handhold on the wall. "I'm going to my room. I have a lot to do, anyway. I don't know what I was thinking, sleeping all day like that."

"You need any help?" Nick asked.

"No, I'm okay." But his feet were throbbing and he moved slowly, down the stairs and through the galley to his cabin. They waited a few minutes and then both men rose and followed him.


	2. Loving

Nick leaned in the door and saw Murray sitting in front of his computer, head down, hands in his lap. After a while he sensed that he wasn't alone and raised his eyes, looking more afraid than anything else. Nick went to him, already pulling his t-shirt off over his head. Murray drew a sharp breath, almost a gasp, and his hands started to tremble.

"It's okay," Nick said with a wry grin. "I'll get that." He was unbuttoning Murray's shirt and Murray finally raised his head, opened his mouth to protest, and was silenced by a kiss. He still wanted to argue, wanted to tell them to wait and think about it some more, that it was okay, but Nick was sucking him in, capturing his mouth, his tongue, his very powers of speech and thought. At some point he became aware that they were naked, that they had somehow come to be standing in the middle of the room, that Cody was in the doorway watching, but it hardly mattered. The animal part of his brain, the primal-eat-sleep-fuck part, had taken over from the rational-think-things-through-Bozinsky part, and the animal was hungry.

"On the bed," he panted, pushing Nick none too gently in that direction. Nick backed up until his legs hit the edge and then sat down. Murray knelt on the floor, his long fingers gripping muscular thighs, and took Nick's hard cock in his mouth. Both of them were moaning, the vibration in Murray's throat making Nick cry out louder and the sounds of his pleasure driving Murray to greater lengths. He was so eager, his mouth so hot and soft, his tongue incredibly skilled. Nick slid one hand around the back of his neck and held him close, rocking his hips, fucking the hungry mouth with something like abandon. It was all he could do to not force himself down Murray's throat, to give his friend enough freedom to breathe. But Murray had no trouble taking him deep, swallowing to make Nick moan and then moaning along with him. He heard the moans change pitch, felt Nick's hands grow harder, and sucked him deeper, choking and breathless, swallowing him until he came and then swallowing some more. Nick was yelling something, calling his name, digging his fingers into bony shoulders and bony neck, as Murray sucked him down. He didn't stop until Nick released him and collapsed on the bed.

Murray sat back on his heels, gasping for breath and trying to ignore the demands of his own throbbing cock. He could feel his pulse in every part of his body, as if his heart were going to explode, but didn't know what, if anything, could be done about it. The cabin was silent except for Nick's panting, and Murray didn't know where to look. He'd lost his glasses at some point and couldn't see much anyway. Then a soft voice spoke directly behind him.

"Murray, that was beautiful," Cody whispered, kneeling on the floor and sliding his arm around the bruised neck. He felt bare skin against his back and wondered if Cody was naked, too.

"Oh? Why—thank you," he said awkwardly. Nick laughed weakly and propped himself up on his elbows.

"I should have said that first, Murray. It was beautiful, and thank you."

"It's all right, Nick. I—I enjoyed it, too."

"I can see that," Cody said, reaching around him to lay a gentle hand on his thigh. "Murray, I have to ask you something."

"Sure, anything."

Cody pulled him back more into his embrace and held him comfortably.

"Do you go all the way, Boz?" The thin body jolted in his arms and a hot flush enveloped him, burning them both. "I'm asking because I never have. I've only done things like this, with mouths and hands. I don't know about Nick, but I never got all the way to actual fucking."

Nick shook his head and Murray was torn between the truth and what he thought they wanted to hear. In the end he told the truth, because he didn't know what they wanted.

"I have. Not very often, only with a few really special people, because it's a trust issue as much as anything. But I like it. It can be very good, if it's done properly."

"You like it?" Cody asked, needing to be sure.

"Well, yes. As I said, if done properly…"

"Good. Because I'd like to fuck you, if you want me to. I'd like you to show me how."

Murray couldn't stop the shiver that ran up his spine, or withhold the sharp gasp of disbelief. He would never have let Carl, but Cody? That was a dream come true.

"Really? You aren't just humoring me?" he whispered, his turn to be sure.

"That's a lot farther than I'd go just to humor anyone, Boz. I want to, if you're willing. If it's good for you."

"It's as good as you want it to be. I can show you how, if you're sure."

"I'd think you'd be more worried about it than me. I mean, I wouldn't hurt you on purpose, but…"

"No, you won't hurt me," he said vaguely, as if the matter were of no importance. "It's just—unusual. Straight men usually think it's kind of—gross."

"So we'll take a shower after." Cody's voice in his ear was soft and convincing, the tickle of his mustache irresistible. He laid his head back on Cody's shoulder and kissed him, slow and thorough. Nick was sitting up now, watching with interest. He and Cody had never even mentioned this between themselves and he'd never known it was something his best friend wanted. But maybe he only wanted it from Murray.

"It's been a long time," Murray said, blushing as if that were something to be ashamed of.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I—never mind. You'll see." He slid out of Cody's warm embrace and leaned forward on one hand, reaching for something under the bed. Cody stroked his hip lightly as he flexed, making him shiver again, reassuring himself that this was what Murray wanted. There was no way he would pressure the little guy, but suddenly he did want it badly.

"What's that?" he asked, watching Murray sink back down and unzip a black leather case, much like the shaving kit he kept in the head.

"Stuff," was the oblique answer. "Here. Use a lot," he went on with a nervous laugh, handing Cody a tube of K-Y.

"Because it's been a while," Cody said and he nodded.

"Use your hand first and think about how big you are, how much room you'll need. It doesn't hurt if you're—considerate."

"Considerate is my middle name," he said, unscrewing the cap.

"I thought your middle name was Jacob," Nick said, and the laughter helped ease the tension.

"And yours is fuckwad," Cody grinned. Then he turned a little bit serious. "Murray, should we be on the bed? Would that be better?"

"No, I think this is right. I—I need to be able to move."

"Whatever you say," Cody whispered, and then his hand was on him, slick and cold, but warming fast. Murray gasped softly at the feel of the gently probing finger, bracing himself with one hand on the edge of the bed. He rose up on his knees and leaned forward enough for access, but not enough to allow Cody to take control. At least not unless he meant it. Murray intended to guide this all the way, but he knew the bigger man could, in reality, do anything he wanted without much effort. Maybe without even intending to.

"Is that all right?" Cody asked, not withdrawing but not going forward, either.

"Yes," he said shakily. "It's good, don't stop."

Cody was a little surprised to find that those words had the same effect on him coming from Murray that they did coming from a woman. His cock, already fully erect, gave a painful throb, and he pushed his finger deeper. Murray groaned softly, pulled away a little, then pushed back. He was so tight it scared Cody a little, but the idea of being clenched in that hot grip thrilled him more. Cody pressed deeper, working in the lube, and Murray moved with him, still moaning quietly. Suddenly the moaning stopped, Murray's spine stiffened and every muscle in his body seemed to clench.

"What is it?" Cody whispered. "Does it hurt?"

"No. No, do that again," he sighed. "Press right there." Cody did, and Murray made a sound like a strangled sob.

"Are you sure that doesn't hurt?"

"No, it's—it's wonderful. That's the spot you want to aim for. Keep doing that and I'll come in a minute."

"Do you want to come in a minute?" Cody asked.

"No," he said, helpless to do anything but tell the truth. "I want it to last forever."

Cody slipped in another finger and Murray groaned, bowing his head and reaching for the bed with his other hand. His arms were trembling and Nick's hand wrapped gently around his wrist, as if for support. Cody kept stroking him, stretching him, careful to avoid the sensitive spot that Murray liked so well. When he got up to three fingers, Murray was thrusting more than Cody was, moaning continuously and occasionally shifting the angle so a fingertip touched his tender gland. But not too often. He craved the contact, was desperate for the ecstasy it brought, but he really didn't want to come yet.

"I'm ready," he whispered. "Cody, fuck me now."

"You're sure?" The catch in his voice, the faint breathlessness of desire, made Murray absolutely weak with need.

"I'm sure. Just use more lube and go easy."

Cody withdrew his hand and the sound Murray made then was so sweetly disappointed that it was hard not to just take him. He wiped his hand and covered his throbbing cock with the cool gel. That helped a little. But when Murray spread his legs for him, when he let go of the edge of the bed and leaned back into Cody's strong hands, the fire raged up hotter than before. Cody spread him gently with his thumbs and nudged into him, so slowly it was almost unbearable. Murray arched backward onto him, reached over his head and wrapped his arms around Cody's neck.

"Oh, good," Cody sighed. "That's good, Boz. Show me what you want."

"I want you to touch me," he whispered, tensing his arms and pushing Cody deep. He shuddered as the strong hands left his hips, slid around his belly, and up his chest. One hand stayed there, holding him in place, and the other eased down to his thigh. Murray whimpered helplessly, straining toward that hand. It slipped lightly into his groin, cupped his balls firmly for a moment, and then gripped the base of his shaft. The whimpering turned into a low groan as Murray thrust back onto Cody's thick cock and then forward into his hand. Then the hand was moving, squeezing his crown, teasing the leaking slit, and Murray's heart almost stopped.

"Cody, that's so good," he moaned, half turning for a kiss. The pace increased, the strokes lengthened, and Murray thought he was dying. He held his body arched at an angle so Cody hit his prostate with every thrust, pushing him closer and closer to the edge. But he held on, afraid that no matter what had been said, this was going to be a one-time thing, and he had to make it last. He had to make it perfect. "Harder," he whispered, needing the one thing that was missing. "Cody, harder. Please, just—harder."

Cody tried, but couldn't get enough leverage. He pushed Murray forward, gently, giving him a chance to resist, but the time for that had passed. Murray was ready to give him control. He grabbed the edge of the bed and bowed his head like an offering. Cody gripped his hips and pulled him back to meet the next thrust. Murray fell easily into the rhythm, sobbing and straining, keening for more.

"Come for me, Murray," Cody said quietly. "Come on, baby, what do you need?"

Murray put one hand over Cody's, wrapped tight around his throbbing cock, and guided him to a faster pace. Squeezing harder, rolling his fingers a little at the head, and always pounding that sweet, sensitive spot deep inside.

"I love you," Cody whispered, and Murray came at last, drowning in waves of pleasure so intense it was almost painful, shouting a frantic, wordless song of thanks. Cody felt his own climax ripped out of him, felt Murray's rippling muscles milk him of his seed, his strength, and most, but not all, of his desire. He grabbed the edge of the bed and thrust harder, deeper, than before, using his superior size and weight for the first and only time. Murray almost buckled, and Cody held him up with an arm around his chest. He dropped his forehead to Murray's shoulder and held them together while they tried to catch their breath.

"You okay, Boz?" Cody whispered, needing to know before he withdrew. He felt instinctively that pulling away at the wrong moment could ruin everything.

"Yes. Oh, yes, I—I'm fine. Cody, I—I love you, too." He raised his head shyly as Cody pulled out and eased himself down on the floor. Murray moved into his arms and kissed him, making the moment last just a little longer.

"I gotta say, I'm feeling kind of left out," Nick said suddenly.

"Why?" Cody laughed. "You got yours."

"Yours looked like more fun."

"There's enough to go around," Murray said, straightening up rather abruptly and getting to his feet. "Cody, do you still want that shower?"

He nodded and Murray grabbed his robe, suddenly needing to get away. They hurried through the dark salon to the head without speaking. Cody turned on the water and made sure it was hot enough before pulling Murray in.

"Suddenly shy, Boz?"

"Little late, isn't it?" he laughed. Then his face turned serious and he glanced around as if fearing to be overheard. "Cody, what's going on here?"

"Here? A shower."

"I mean before the shower. And after. Was this just this once or…?"

"I think it's more than once, Murray." He soaped his hands and began washing the thin body, smiling at the soft moans he elicited. "Nick and I, we quit fooling around because it was too intense for us. There used to be a lot of things we couldn't handle very well on our own. You make it easier to get through the hard stuff. It seems like it should be harder to have a relationship with three people, but you do a good job of cutting the shit around here."

"So you can have sex with each other so long as you're having sex with me?"

"I'm hoping so. If that's all right with you."

"I think it is. Cody, that was really good. I—I really want this to work. If that's what you want."

"Let's just get through tonight and see what happens. Here, lean back and I'll wash your hair."

The feel of Cody's hands was making him hard again and he tried to will it away.

"It has been a while, hasn't it?"

"A couple years," Murray confessed. "But I've been getting hard around you since we met."

"So you can keep secrets. That's good to know."

Murray took the soap and returned the favor. They stayed in the shower until the water turned cold and then went to find Nick.

***

Murray stayed up late that night to catch up on his work. He wanted to be with his friends, wanted to go to bed with them, in fact, but the logistics were puzzling and he waited for them to offer a solution. The truth was, no one had thought this far ahead and no one had any ideas. So when he said he had things to do, Nick and Cody went to their cabin and left him in front of the computer in his pajamas, as they had so many times.

"Does that seem normal to you?" Cody asked Nick as they prepared for bed.

"What, Murray? Hardly ever."

"I'm being serious. Last night was a crisis and he ran away from home, tonight he gives you head and I fuck him, and now he's back at work like nothing happened."

"Okay, so it's weird. Still doesn't surprise me."

"Well, it surprises me. Nick, what are we doing here? Are we going to put our lives on hold until he meets someone or is this permanent? Are—are we _together_ now? I mean, last night you were afraid to find out if Murray was gay and now suddenly we are, too."

"No, I think we all still qualify as bi," Nick grinned, crawling into his bunk.

"Great. But I'm being serious. What's going to happen if one of us meets someone first?"

"What happened to _one minute at a time_?"

"Fuck that. Help me out, Nick. I'm confused and I don't like it."

"You liked it all right a couple hours ago."

"I was too horny to be confused." Cody sat down on the edge of his bunk and sighed. "I don't want to hurt him. Maybe I shouldn't have—but I don't mean that. I wanted him, and I wanted to give him something he wanted. We don't do that very often, you know."

"I know. And I'm not going to worry about meeting anyone for a while. I'm going to stick with Murray and see what happens. Maybe it'll be something good. If you want to drop out, though, there won't be any hard feelings on my part."

"I never said I was dropping anything, or anyone. I just—I guess I still have the same problems I did before."

"All of us do, Cody. You can't solve everything with one good lay."

"I guess not. If I could, I'd still be with Janet." He crawled into bed and turned off the light.

"Janet never was perfect for you. Not like you thought she was."

"Maybe not. I always kind of thought that if you were a girl…"

"I never would have survived the war. Goodnight, Cody."

"Yeah, goodnight, Nick." But Cody didn't go to sleep. He lay awake staring at the ceiling, trying to remember what the ceiling on a boat was called. The deck was the deck outside and the sole inside, but what was the ceiling? He thought about that until he heard Nick's breathing deepen to steady snores, then got up and put on his robe. It probably said in Chapman's Piloting and Seamanship. He could look it up, maybe have some milk and peanut butter like his grandma used to make when he visited her as a child. She swore by milk and a peanut butter fold-over when he couldn't sleep. Cody never noticed that it helped much, but it did remind him of his grandma and hers was a relaxing memory.

The Chapman was on a shelf in the salon and he clicked on a lamp, sitting down to flip through it. It had been a while and soon he was engrossed in the rules, the formalities and the lingo that described his passion. All thoughts of milk and peanut butter were forgotten. Even Grandma Allen slipped his mind.

That was where Murray found him an hour later.

"What are you doing up, Cody?"

"Reading up on seamanship. Sometimes I forget the details, you know. Like that the ceiling on a boat is called the overhead."

"Oh, sure. I do that, too. I'm always re-reading manuals and—things like that." Murray looked down at himself, his pale blue pajamas and ratty brown robe, and a slow flush crawled up his cheeks.

"Sure, even geniuses have to review."

"Cody, do you really see me that way? Do you really think of me as a genius?"

"Well, yeah. Aren't you?" He slid over on the sofa and gripped Murray's wrist, pulling him gently onto the sofa.

"People never call me that. They call me geek, which is equally correct, but doesn't sound as nice."

"No, Boz, it's not equally correct. It's relative, and genius is an objective fact."

The flush deepened and Murray lowered his eyes, smiling shyly. Cody thought that only this man could be so thoroughly pleased and flattered by just the simple truth.

"So, what are you doing up? Do you really have that much work?"

"I always have something to do. Some people set their hours by how much work they have. I set my work by how many hours I have."

"But you gotta sleep sometime," Cody said, closing the book and laying it aside.

"When I get tired. Anyway, I'm not really working right now. I'm coding a game I thought of the other day. It's going to be really boss."

"That's not work?"

"Well, sort of. I'll get paid, but I do it because it's fun to make games and play them, even if I know all the tricks."

"That's cool. So that's why you're awake? You're designing a game?"

"Yeah. Well, the designing's done. I'm coding now." Then he realized Cody didn't know the difference and felt guilty, as if he'd been deliberately pretentious.

But all Cody said was, "Oh." A silence that wasn't at all awkward fell between them and after a while Cody remembered his grandma. "You want some milk and peanut butter?"

"Sure. My grandma used to give me that when I couldn't sleep."

"Mine, too," Cody laughed. "Do you think they used to teach it in school or something?"

Cody poured the milk while Murray spread peanut butter on white bread, smoothing it out with such precision that it was hard to imagine his lithe fingers ever being clumsy.

"Cody, can I ask you something?"

"Anything. Here, have a seat."

"It seems kind of stupid, but for two different reasons. And the fact that I don't know which is the real reason, that means I have to ask."

"Sure." Cody sat down on the other side of the small galley table and sipped his milk.

"If we wanted to go back and make things the way they used to be, could we? Or is already too late?"

"Why's that stupid?"

"Because it should be obvious that we can't. But at the same time, if anyone could, it would be us, right? So I don't know which is more correct."

"Do you want to go back?" Cody was surprised at the sudden tightness in his throat. The idea should have thrilled him. It would solve all of his problems, or at least the most painful of them. But all he could think was that if Murray said yes, he would never again be able to touch that smooth, slender body the way he had tonight.

"Do you?"

"I asked first."

Cody realized that Murray was the one with everything to lose this time. He was the one with his secrets exposed, the one everything was riding on (so to speak), and he needed to protect whatever of himself he still had left. Leaving Cody with the job of figuring out the right answer.

"No," he said, putting a surprising amount of passion and reluctance in that one word. "But that's me being selfish, Murray. Because I love you and you gave me something I wanted. The thing is, I might want something else later, and I don't want to hurt you. If you think you might get hurt—well—I hope you won't let me do that."

"You're saying you don't want to marry me," Murray smiled.

"I think it's a little early, yeah. See, our friendship is the important thing, isn't it? I don't want to lose that."

"I don't either. Everything I've done up to now has been with that in mind and I really hope I didn't just blow it all in two hours. I guess that's why I'm really awake. I've been listening to you since you left your cabin, trying to decide if I should interrupt or not."

"You worry too much," he said, as he always did, and Murray laughed.

"I think, this once, it's justified. But I'm not asking you for anything, Cody. Wait, that's not true. I'm asking for a couple of things."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Well, your continuing friendship, for one. Whatever else happens, you're my best friend and I don't want to lose that. And I need you to be honest. Honesty doesn't hurt me. Or, if it does, it's still not as bad as deception. I know I don't have any right to ask for that, after the way I've deceived you—"

"That's not the same," Cody interrupted. "You were keeping me—or us—out of something that didn't involve us. This involves everyone and you have the right to total honesty."

"Thank you. I just need to know when you want to end it. I don't want you to get tired of me and let it build into resentment. And I don't want to find out you've been seeing someone for a month and not said anything."

"No, Boz, I wouldn't do that," he said, but he felt guilty already. With his hatred of emotional scenes, it was exactly the kind of thing he would do and Murray knew it. Which probably made this his first deception. "All right, I might. To avoid hurting you, I might have wanted to be less than totally honest. But I won't. I promise you that right now."

"Then that's all I can ask. And when you do meet someone, because I think we all know you will, I won't be hurt or jealous." That was Murray's first lie, and Cody knew it. But he also knew he could handle it if it happened, and there was nothing to be gained by calling him out now.

"Okay." Cody finished his milk and got up to put his glass in the sink. "Do you feel like you can sleep now?"

"I—yeah, I think so." His second lie.

"Really? You're not going to go back to your room and work all night?"

He said nothing, but his lowered eyes and dark blush gave him away.

"You are, aren't you? Murray?"

"Maybe for a while. It's okay, I slept most of the day."

"And now it's after midnight. Come on, I'll tuck you in." He took Murray's hand and coaxed him out of his seat. Murray had no feeling that anything was going to happen beyond Cody making him go to sleep, but he clung to the strong hand, thoroughly enjoying the contact. Cody sensed it and squeezed gently in return. "You weren't thinking of avoiding us, were you?"

"What?"

"You know, working all night, sleeping all day, staying away from us so we can't dump you. You weren't going to do that, were you?"

"Oh, no. Of course not. I wouldn't…" But he would. Three lies in five minutes, and he'd just made Cody promise not to be deceptive. He was blushing again, wishing he could get out of this whole situation, maybe by transporting, Star Trek-like, directly into the hanging locker in his cabin. Then Cody was leading him over to the bed, already taking off his robe. Murray went along, hesitating but letting Cody convince him with hungry kisses and gentle hands. It wasn't until they were actually on the bed that Murray's conscience forced him to speak.

"What about Nick?"

"Nick's sleeping. But if you want to go to our cabin, I'm sure he won't mind waking up."

"No, I mean, should we? Is it okay without him?"

"Is this about coming between us again? Boz, you have to stop thinking like that. It's okay for us to be together. Sometimes I won't be around and you'll want him. That's okay, too." He pressed Murray down on his back and kissed him before he could answer. Any answer other than a kiss would have been unacceptable anyway. After a few minutes, Murray took off his glasses and asked Cody what he wanted.

"Is it always up to me?" Cody asked, only half teasing.

"For now. So long as I'm the experienced one, whatever we do is up to you."

Cody was still holding him down, kissing his neck, freely stroking his thin, pale body. But suddenly he knew that wasn't where he wanted to be.

"I want you to fuck me," he whispered.

"What? No, you don't," Murray said, shocked.

"Why not? You'd like it, wouldn't you? And you seemed to enjoy it when I did it to you."

"Well, yes, but it wasn't my first time. Cody, it's too soon. You wouldn't like it."

"I might. Anyway, you said it was up to me, and that's what I want."

"You don't—are you sure you wouldn't rather wait and do it the first time with Nick?"

"You think you'll hurt me and he won't? No, Murray, you'll have to teach us both."

There was a brief silence, broken only by the click in Murray's throat as he swallowed. He looked scared, but underneath that was something else. Curiosity and desire. Rationalizing swiftly, Murray told himself that Cody was right. The first time should be with someone experienced. He would know how to make it as good as it could be.

"All right," he said quietly. "If you're sure."

"I'm sure." Cody smiled and kissed him again, as if to prove it.

"If you want to stop, just say so," Murray went on, sliding out from under him and reaching under the bed. "Any time you don't like what's happening, just say stop and I will."

"I believe you. Where do you want me? On the bed, or on the floor like we did before?"

"You'll probably like the bed better."

Cody lay on his stomach, his head pillowed on his arms, watching Murray get his things together. He had the idea that this wasn't totally unforeseen and the thought pleased him.

"You're going to use a condom?"

"It's—easier. Less messy. You won't notice the difference."

"Will you?"

"If I do, it'll just mean I last longer." He stroked Cody's ass lightly, making him shiver. Caressed his muscular thighs, coaxed them slightly apart, touched the soft skin of his sac. He watched his friend tense, caressed him until he relaxed again, and then moved to kneel between his legs. His hands were on Cody's shoulders, massaging without restraining him, working gently down his back. At some point his touch lightened, became a tickle down Cody's spine, and the bigger man arched into it with a happy groan.

"That's nice," he sighed. "I always knew you had great hands."

The soft praise had a remarkable effect on Murray, making his heart leap and his cock throb. It seemed impossible that Cody was really going to let him do this, but already he had enough to jerk off to for the rest of his life. Slowly, he stroked down to Cody's tailbone, felt the crack of his ass, and nearly whimpered when the happy groan was repeated.

"I'm going to touch you now," Murray whispered, squeezing a little lube onto his fingers. Cody nodded, still not opening his eyes, and tried not to flinch when he felt the gentle pressure. It was cool, foreign and a little frightening, but at the forefront of his mind was Murray's reaction when he did the same. Strange as it might feel now, he was convinced something good would follow. The slender finger slipped into him and he gasped, an expression of mingled pain and pleasure crossing his face.

"Does it hurt?" Murray asked, stroking him without pressing deeper.

"No. It's just—different. Don't stop." Cody tensed a little and Murray reassured him, made him relax before going forward. He was so tight, Murray's first virgin, and he decided not to tell Cody that. Instead, he got more lube and tried two fingers. Cody groaned again, but didn't flinch. He was beginning to understand. When Murray grazed his prostate, he cried out and bucked against the gentle hand. Yes, that was it. Now he understood. The thought flashed across his mind that he couldn't wait to tell Nick, and then it was gone, engulfed in a wave of pleasure. After that, he wasn't sure what Murray was during anymore. So long as the hand was there, the talented fingers probing and stroking, nothing else mattered. He didn't know how many or for how long, just that he was suddenly desperate to come, and at the same time he didn't want it to ever stop. He raised his hips a little, slid his hand underneath and gripped his own cock.

"Pretty," Murray said softly, causing him to open his eyes. He saw that Murray was also touching himself, running his free hand lightly up and down his long shaft.

"Oh, jeez," Cody groaned. "_That's_ pretty, Boz."

Murray withdrew his hand and was pleased by the soft sound of disappointment. He wiped his fingers with a sweet scented wet-nap and put on a condom, liberally coating it with lube. Supporting himself on one hand, he pressed gently against Cody's tight opening and felt him yield almost reluctantly. Cody gasped, trying not to resist, and Murray kissed the back of his neck.

"Does it hurt?"

"No. Well, yes, but not—no." It was still foreign, still strange, but no longer cold. Now it burned, but not in an entirely bad way. And he thought it might get better. "Keep going, Murray, please."

In response, he laid himself on Cody's back, supporting his weight on his left elbow and slipping his right hand under Cody's body, covering Cody's hand with his own. After a moment, Cody let go and allowed Murray to grip his throbbing member.

"I want you to move now," Murray whispered against his neck. "I'm going hold still and let you guide me, okay? I'm on top, but you're in control."

"Always thoughtful," Cody gasped, pushing gently against him.

"It's the only way."

Cody thrust eagerly into his hand and then back again, gasping more sharply as he pushed Murray deeper. It hurt, but it was so good, too. The lithe hand gliding over aching hard flesh, somehow knowing exactly how to squeeze and when to tug, when to slide down and roll his balls between long fingers, more than made up for the mild discomfort. He paused, took a breath, and thrust forward again into the talented hand and the yielding bed. Murray kept his word and held still but his kisses turned to bites and his moans were as eager as Cody's.

The sounds of Murray's pleasure inflamed Cody, goading him to a faster rhythm and more forceful, if still controlled, thrusts. Gradually, Murray began to move with him, matching the stroke of his hand to the rhythm of their bodies. Cody pushed him deeper, harder, whimpering without hearing it, desperate for something he couldn't name. When Murray touched the sweet spot deep within him, Cody cried out, bucking frantically with no thought of pain, and came so hard that he saw stars. Murray rode him through it, restraining himself with the knowledge that someone needed to keep his head. Cody collapsed with a trembling sigh that turned to a smile when Murray kissed him.

"All right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, all right."

"Should I stop?"

"Not if you're still having fun."

Murray laughed, suddenly bold, and kissed him again. He could have gone on having fun all night, making Cody hard again and making him come over and over, keeping him up until sheer exhaustion destroyed them both. Cody somehow sensed that in the tension of his body and the throbbing of the shaft inside him, and once more he was a little afraid. But the fear dissipated when Murray slid his hands under Cody's chest, resting his slight weight on the broad back and hugging him close. It was still Murray, still his kind friend who always thought of the other person first. Cody moved back against him, making Murray gasp, reminding him that he had needs and rights, too.

"Keep going," Cody whispered. "Please. I want to feel you come."

Murray kissed him, thrusting gently, and they swiftly picked up the rhythm again. Cody was less eager now, his muscles clenching as if rejecting the invader, but the increased tightness only heightened Murray's pleasure. He thrust a little harder and felt his lover move to meet him. It was so hot, so tight, so much better than he'd ever had before, and suddenly he was coming, groaning helplessly and biting Cody's neck.

"Did you feel that?" he panted, half laughing as he withdrew.

"Pretty amazing, Boz." Cody closed his eyes, not paying much attention to what Murray was doing as he cleaned up. But when Murray lay down beside him, he turned on his side and eased the thin body into his arms.

"Was it really okay?" Murray asked, suddenly shy again.

"It was great. Why, what did you expect?"

"I don't know. I was being careful but—my first time was kind of rough. I wanted to do better for you but I'm not exactly an expert."

"Couldn't prove it by me. Murray, don't worry. Everything's okay." He kissed the pale forehead, running gentle fingers through his hair.

"Okay. Cody, I love you."

"I love you, too, Boz."

Murray closed his eyes, wrapped in the comforting warmth of those words. But it couldn't last. He never let himself be comfortable for long.

"Don't you want to go back to—to your cabin?" he asked after a few minutes. It was all he could do not to say back to Nick.

"Only if you want me to. I was thinking it might be more correct to stay the night."

"Correct?" Murray laughed, not sure if it was a joke or not.

"If you want me to go, I will. But I'd just as soon stay, if that's all right with you."

"I'm making things harder than they need to be again, aren't I?"

"Uh-huh. Go to sleep, babe. There's nothing we need to talk about that can't wait until tomorrow."

Murray nodded without speaking, snuggled safely against his chest. Tomorrow there would be more talking, more loving. Tomorrow Nick would want him and that was a nice thought. For a while, at least, they would both want him. Murray tried not to look any farther ahead than that.


End file.
